My Sadness

A few months ago I had all of this sadness come over me. I'm not sure where it came from, but I'm glad it's passed. As I was opening the fridge to pour me a glass of sweet tea out of no where I had this thought that I needed to share it. Who knows, maybe someone is going through something similar. I dunno.

So, just to share a little bit about me so you might understand me a little bit better. I'm a sensitive caring person. I like doing things for people and most of the time have a smile on my face. It takes a lot to make me cry watching tv or at the movies, so that doesn't happen very often. Sometimes there will be a story that everyone is talking about and I feel bad for the people involved, but it seems like everyone else's emotions are so much stronger about it than mine. That still doesn't do it justice, I'll have to come back and try to explain it better later.

There was a few months that I would cry or get upset at almost anything. Maybe it was me coming to terms with the fact that there's a pretty good chance that I'm not going to have a family of my own. I know that just because I'm in my early 30s doesn't mean that I can't or won't necessarily, but come on. Let's be honest. It's not going to be that much longer that I'll be able to have kids, if I even can, and unless I meet someone relatively soon I don't see that happening.

I tried blogging about the sadness I was feeling, but I don't think that it really came through. I can remember texting my best friend when I was out shopping with my mom and sister telling her that I really needed to talk. I was already having a not so good day, so trying to drag myself out of that funk didn't help. I was walking into TJ Maxx (I love that store! lol) when she called and it was so hard not to burst out into tears! It was like I was mourning for all of the things in my life that weren't going to happen. I tried to tell her how everything was weighing me down and effecting me so bad. Since being best friends since fourth grade she knew what I was trying to say even though I felt like I wasn't making any sense. I think part of why she understood so well was because a few years ago her biological clock was ticking, yelling at her. Which, all of that is another story.

Last week I was listening to the PCOS Diva on the PCOS Challenge Radio Show. In one point of the show she was talking about how when some women are diagnosed with PCOS that they pretty much go through the stages of grief. I don't think that I really went through that. I was just happy to find out what was wrong with me. When I asked if I would be able to have children she told me that it would be harder for me, but that there was medicine that could help me. And I was with my boyfriend, but now I'm not. So, all in all I felt like if I decided that I really did want to have kids that it was sort of within reach. As compared to now, where my symptoms have worsened and I've put on weight.

But, I got through it! I don't cry when I go to the kids department to buy my niece an outfit or when I found out that my cousin, which is my age, is getting married in a few months. I still can't watch that one episode of Law & Order SVU, but I'm okay with that. It's progress! So, if you're going through something similar, in the words of Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going". And know that you're not alone!